the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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