onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
