My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
