she is the kim kardashian of front butts
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
