I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
