Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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