Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
