So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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