Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize