The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
