Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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