Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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