glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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