Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
