If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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