Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
