was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
