Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
