he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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