I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Someone came in the potted fern
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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