Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
