I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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