Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
