Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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