I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
