ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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