i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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