so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
