It's like God shit irony all over that family
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
