my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
