They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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