; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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