If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize