I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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