I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
