Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize