i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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