Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
