He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
