I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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