Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
