And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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