ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She bit a glass in half.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
