You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize