you would pick up someone in the library
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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