this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Everything about him screamed your future.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
