fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
