Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
