I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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