Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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