happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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