Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
