i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
