dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
