Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
