last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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