I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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