oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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