i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
